A new life

Yesterday, around 7:00 am, I unlocked my front door to greet the already hot world outside. We've been moved into this new place for weeks, but everything is still pretty disorganized. I was expecting my maid to return from her two-week vacation. My phone was dead and hers had been on the blink, so I had some doubts if she'd show up. But, there she was, with a smile on her face and a bundle of joy in her arms. "Oh, you had a baby!" I exclaimed. "Come on in."

She hadn't told me she was pregnant. I was going to bring up the subject about a month ago when I saw she was gaining weight... mostly around the middle, but she's never been thin. We were packing for our move, and she was missing work for final exams at adult ed. I saw no hurry to bring it up before the new year. Oops. I was wrong!

Each momentous event changes lives around me and hits me with conflicting emotion.
Joy. Relief. Confusion. Pain. Regret. Concern. Respect. Anger. Humility. Conceit.

She had a healthy baby in a place where that isn't taken for granted!
She is a youngish widow (about 35 years old) with four other children.
She is still in school, but barely getting anything out of the classes.
The father of this child only barely takes responsibility.
She went through a very similar situation four years ago, as well.
She didn't feel like she should/could tell me... even though we've been through this before.
I didn't do it right! Again!
Why can't she just be satisfied in life instead of looking for "something" with men who don't care?
How is she going to manage raising 5 kids on her own?
How am I going to get my life back to NORMAL here if she's off work for another month or two?

All in all, I can't make decisions for her... and I don't want to. I offer her two months paid leave, and she only wants one. I don't want baby coming to work because I am selfish. I don't want baby staying home with granny when he is so tiny. I want "better" for her than she expects for herself. I want her to trust me to be helpful and not judgmental.

"I thought you knew," she said.
"You didn't tell me, how can I know?"

"He doesn't want the other kids, only this one. So I moved out of the house he rented for me and I'm back with my parents," she explained.
"We shouldn't accept any relationships with men who reject our children. Better to be alone. Remember Rosa? She stayed alone... Your family still helps you with everything."

My advice seems so wise... but still hollow to the young woman seeking more. She doesn't have the strength to reject offers of "better" with men who promise more than they provide. A cultural weight is dragged behind every decision she makes... and carried in all the counsel I, myself, offer. In her world, her decisions make sense. "He promised. I hoped." In my world, dreams of independence and self-sufficiency are much more realistic with the law on her side and opportunities around the corner.

We are told by Jesus to take care of the widows and orphans. Advice to young widows in the Bible hints of the culture we see around us in Africa. In Nyungwe society, women often lose their children to the husband's family if he dies. By default. If there is a legal, state marriage, she has a right to the kids, but most often she doesn't understand that right exists or how she can claim it. Neither her family, nor his, assumes the kids should stay with the surviving parent. If she is allowed to keep her orphaned children, her husband's family will "administer" the survivor's benefits... pension, widow benefit, stipend for orphaned child usually end up in the pocket of the mother's father-in-law. She must fight and beg for money for shoes or school fees or food for the kids. A system is in place, but it is in conflict with the expectations of the culture. So the system doesn't benefit the one it was set up to protect. As a woman dependent on mercy from the in-laws, she makes due. Her family steps in, but only begrudgingly supplies her needs since it is REALLY "those people" who should be providing.

All of that is behind her hope that a new husband will change her fate. So she takes a chance. Churches and Christ followers are commanded see the needs of the widows and their children and to have mercy and provide help and support for them even if it goes against the cultural norm. Maybe that is easy for me... because my culture has been influenced by Judeo-Christian ethic for hundreds of years. It isn't clear-cut here. Even churches are wary of widows who traditionally have a reputation of looking for a new man to keep them safe.

So, head spinning with all the implications of each comment and decision, I take the week-old bundle in my arms. He is sweet. Peacefully sleeping without any awareness that his mother struggles with life alone. He isn't to blame for her struggle. He is innocent and loved. She loves him, even with the  weight he adds to her life. He will be cared for and cherished as much as my children are. He will grow and learn... but I pray, as he sleeps in my arms, that he will learn a better way. That he will follow Jesus and seek what is right. That he will have compassion for women like his sisters and mother and become a leader for what is right and good. I pray that he will someday understand the struggle and the sacrifice. I pray that momma will also trust Jesus for help and hope that cannot disappoint. A new life. A new hope. A new day. God bless this child!